things left unspoken

my mother sat on the kitchen stool,
the kettle was hissing soft and slow,
she forgot to took off her shoes and left trace of dirt on the floor.
her Dior she sprayed this morning wafted in the air,
and her wavy long hair fell on her face.
her lipstick started to fade from her lips and she smiled at me.
my mother was beautiful,
but why she cried that day, I had not known.

I rested my tired head on my mother's shoulder,
my world was crumbling,
and I just lost all my strength,
the whole thing was just a mess
it didn't go the way it should.
and never before I felt fear this immense,
I'm falling into this pitch black hole
why I cried that day, she didn't ask

but she knew.
very well in fact,
the price of a freedom
and sacrifices for contentment.
her Dior smelled sweet,
and still she said nothing

but her silence that day said more than her words.

away from the maddening crowd

we were sitting face to face,
she forced a smile but her eyes betrayed her.
the coffee mugs between us were cold and left a stain on the table cloth
I tried to continue with the reading, but after two sentences,
the story failed to enchant me.

he joined us, flicked his lighter, and like he's been doing this
since he was born, puffed the smoke into rings.
she wasn't thrilled, she looked bored and he looked tired.
he said something funny and all of us laughed,
but somehow the story failed to enchant me.

after another cigarettes, the weariness started to show
she said she was disappointed, he said he was miserable
and I said I was frustrated.
things we couldn't control, minds we couldn't read,
and stories that failed to enchant us any longer.

we tried to seek answers in others non-valid opinion,
some assurance that we weren't the losers in this tale
a pat on the shoulder, "you're doing the right thing."
but I couldn't help it, just couldn't ignore it.
they failed to enchant me just like before.

when 'what's more' was the question,
'nothing more' was the answer.
and it was unbearable,
all of these lies lost its enchantment,
the spells were broken,

you see,
there was nothing we should hide.
away from the maddening crowd,
we were part of those lonely people.
what's more?

nothing more.

there were none

I've decided this long ago,

that I will take you the way you are,

that every flaw is a friction of perfectness,

that every dark will comfort us,

if we have each other.

then you said you were happy

and I took nothing, not once, for granted

every meals, every movies, every songs

one by one went by

and I thought I was happy

when did I lose your hand I've never noticed

but when I sat all alone, my thought wandered

I didn't want you anymore, not like this.

You're unperfect, that's okay by me

but you made me a stranger to myself, that I couldn't take

I guess the magic has lost.

or that was just how life goes by.

I had a lot for you once

now, there were none.

blaring thunder

it was a perfect sunshine this morning
a bit too hot but that's okay I guess.
I was planning to visit you today
I know things were not always smooth between us
but these are moments when I just feel glad
that you are still and always will be here

I thought it was easy and I thought
things that meant for us
we never have to fight for it
I thought those that were unspoken
are clearly heard
and I thought I can be strong
for whatever comes

but the thunder was so loud
and what I thought I could handle
were falling one by one
If you don't need me then leave me alone
but how come we don't need each other, I thought.
and I refuse to accept that you are the right one

you know, I had enough.
do whatever you feel right for you
and I'm pretty sure all the right things will be falling on your lap
but maybe, I'm not one of those.

not you

maybe you'll find it weird
that I choose not to see you today
maybe you think I'm ignorant
for ignoring you today, especially today as it matter so much to you
maybe you're right.

as today when I sit here all by myself
earphone on
rain drops
dark
I see not you
But only probability, possibility, chance and a potential
of me and some peace of mind.
as much as I care about you
I just don't care that much tonight.

I'm going home.

secret code

I read you,

word by word, letter by letter.

your shape, your smell, the flicker in your eyes.

sometimes you are a soft colored pastel sky

sometimes you are indigo dark evening sky

you listen to me,

notes by notes, song by song.

my sound, my silence, the flicker in my eyes.

sometimes I'm a swing on the piano keys

sometimes I'm the deep voice in the blues

You hate me like I hate you,

You need me like I need you,

You are there and not there,

I'm waiting and I'm leaving.

It's not complicated at all.

Once you can read the code.

a thousand shades of grey

if you ask me right now,
what I want the most,
it's not a hand to hold me,
or a kiss to soothe me,
or a hug to calm me,
or just a text saying i love you.
.
if you ask me, what i want right now
I want to be alone in crowded market,
I want to watch people from such heights they looked like ants.
I want to see the moon, so full it feels like a luminated saucer,
I want to travel, from city to city by train, next to a stranger, that reads poirot's adventure
then we talk, about the detective and nothing serious but a casual mild talk,
I want to take picture of my breakfast crumble, a half bitten croissant and spilled coffee on the linoleum.
the morning sun falls right onto the black coffee mug, it looks like a good morning.
I want to hear john mayer singing about man with half of his heart to love, only his voice i hear,
while I try to grasp every idea, every lyrics, to connect it with my situation.
so later i can say, 'hey this is my song, I heard it over and over when i was..'
I want to try my new heels, want to feel that all the problems in the world,
can be eased by the right shoes and the right purse.
I want to feel attracted, to a man with a good sense of humour and good sense of literature
so we will spend hours talking and laughing and debating and laughing some more,
I want to feel the wind, brushing my hair, while I see all the wild gease flying south,
I ordered a rainbow, seven colours, big, on the afternoon sky.
I want colours,
I want it in the water, the air, the sky, the television, the music, the books, in somebody's eyes,


but all I get


                  is a thousand shades of gray.

picture taken on a plane, up in the september sky.